Rage, Anger and Rage-aholics

Usually when someone rage, people get hurt. The individual momentarily experience a false sense of relief or may even feel good momentarily until the next episode of rage. Often the individual feels inadequate and powerless and the act of rage becomes their mask to hide the person who is running scared.

The act of rage produces a surge of adrenaline as well as endorphins released in to the blood stream, creating warm pleasurable feeling similar to cocaine. Hence the repeated acts of rage becomes more of an addiction. Since rageaholics never learned to develop healthy anger in early life, suppressed anger and pain of the past often demands inappropriate release. The act of rage provides relief from physical tension however the underlined pain and anger continue increasing in size. Therefore the act of rage is a pattern of suppression and explosion. The addictive cycle of rage is somewhat similar to drug addiction. Every cycle starts with anxiety, gradually builds up to uncomfortable state, than looking for an evidence to act out. As the person reaches the acting out phase, ragaholics and their loved ones can’t avoid the negative consequences of acting out. This follows the act of remorse or guilt which leads to false promises to stop the behavior.

Rage-aholics get high on the adrenalin rush they get when they tantrum. It seems to make sense that they rage so they feel powerful, when, in reality, they explode because they feel fear and hurt that they worry will come to the surface if they didn’t shove it down by their outbursts.

Typically, the “RAGERS” grow up in families where verbal or physical violence are the norm, so clearly, they have been given no tools or role models to help them learn to manage their emotions appropriately.They are treatable.However, typical anger management programs fail
with them because they focus on skills to cope with the rage when it occurs, and not on the basis and fuel for their outbursts. You could also listen my interview with Dr. Erickson about rage and road rage, on the internet radio.

Are You Living with Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

Just when you think yo know your mate, do you find he or she is simply another disappointment in your life?

Many people destroy themselves through relationships they
do not know how to how to manage.

Most of us will experience individuals at some point in our lives who vacillate between two opposite personalities, loving and attentive one moment, raging and abusive the next. Trying to maintain a healthy balance with this type of person is futile; yet many of us go from one such dysfunctional relationship to another, never understanding “why does this always happened to me?”

Are you willing to take a look at the truth about your yourself and the relationship you are in or continue complaining about your life? Denial is a common practice, and easy way of dealing with normally unacceptable behavior. But unless you can overcome denial and see and accept and admit the truth about you and your relationship, you will become the lie you are denying,and eventually, be as sick as the person you are living with. If you go in to a relationship as an incomplete person, that relationship will also be incomplete; it will never make you happy about yourself. Feelings–your core feelings–play a prominent role in making you complete. How you come to terms with them directly effects how you identify with the world around you. Getting into a relationship or trying to form a family with someone who is wrong for you is a wasted effort. Instead of happiness, you will create a situation of stress, erosion, and loss of self-confidance. In time, you will question and doubt your own judgement. You will question why you are, there at all. You can not form a healthy family unless you have a healthy, truthful members.

For many years, I have dealt with many individuals who consistently ignored red warning flags about their current or prospective partner. They repeatedly go against their own gut feelings and better judgement and stay in situations that are unhappy even harmful. This is not a process; it’s a ritual among people who have difficulty identifying and getting in touch with their feelings. They relay on predictability of their relationship while, over and over, their denial of feelings lead to anger, disappointment, and pain. Yet they refuse to attend their own issues by hiding behind the relationship that torments them.

As abusive and damaging as some relationships are the people involved fight to maintain them. Although aware of being abused, unhappy and intellectually acknowledging it is time to leave, they prefer to analyze the “whys” of their problem over and over and completely ignore their own emotional needs.

If you are in a relationship where you are emotionally enmeshed with your partner, it is time to detach. Detachment is absolutely essential, there fore,in order to establish as a sense of separateness. Only than you can start taking responsibility for your feelings. Answer the following two questions as honestly as you can:

  1. Do I deserve more?
  2. What am I willing to do about it?

Learning to take care of yourself and establish a healthy and productive life-style requires a life long commitment. As long as you maintain a healthy attitude, growth is ongoing. Remember, you are the architect of your own life.

Does Your Marriage Sizzle or About to Fizzle?

Almost all relationships start hot and as the fire power loses its intensity with less sparks, partners find themselves in the grips of boredom. Gradually, each partner start feeling old before their time as they start looking elsewhere for adventure and seeking further proof of their desirability. What happened to that partner who was full of passion and desire, could not wait to come home, but rather take a detour to the nearest happy hour instead!

Both partners must take full responsibility for the fizzle in their relationship although many rather blame, shame, finger point, act like a victim, hoping that the other partner will eventually feel bad enough to take responsibility to make it happen for both of them. This is of course a losing proposition. If you want sizzle and keep the fire burning, I highly recommend the following proven techniques.

1. – Learn the language of feelings: Without feelings intimacy and passion is impossible. Feelings have a language of their own. Language of feelings is the means by which we relate with ourselves, and if we can’t communicate with ourselves, we simply can’t communicate with our partners. When we tell the truth about our feelings we invite love and connection. Feelings are the ultimate sparks of love.

2. – Be playful: You remember how creative and child like you were at the beginning of your relationship. Being playful keeps you young, adventurous, especially sexually, and allows partners to rediscover themselves by bringing newness in to the relationship which will keep your partner guessing for a while.

3. – Don’t take your partner for granted: When people feel not appreciated in their relationship, those feelings often turn in to resentments which are mostly negative feelings. Resentments often put a damper on the relationship, forces the partners to be emotionally distant. So give your partner at least two appreciations per day. This is a great way to start the emotional foreplay.

4. – Get out of the ritualism: Ritualism is the kiss of death. The movie “Ground Hough Day” is a great example of this problem. This often comes about innocently due to kids, work, obligations etc. where partners start assuming roles such as, care taker, provider. Such roles promote nothing but loos of self, feeling overwhelmed and boredom. So, in order to keep the sizzle going, be spontaneous and try something new and different every day.

5. – Verbalize your needs and fantasies: Many partners are guilty of this. Remember, your partner neither a mind reader nor a psychic. Get out of your comfort zone and talk about some of your hidden fantasies without feeling guilt or shame. And there could be nothing better if you can act-out or role play your fantasies with your lover.

6. – You are responsible: Remember if you want to keep your relationship hot than you must actively participate in it rather than waiting and wondering. Don’t expect others to light up your fire otherwise you will be waiting for a long time. Know that, the real fire is within you and others can only intensify what is already with in your heart.

So, if you want your relationship to sizzle, you need to master your feelings. Emotional mastery is the way to a sensual and successful relationship.

Midlife Food Crisis

UntitledEating disorders aren’t just a problem
among the young—an increasing number
of middle-aged women are dealing
with these potentially deadly conditions
By Haley Shapley

Once thought to be the domain of self-conscious teens, eating disorders are now known to affect all age groups. But the prevalence in women 30 to 65 is on the rise, according to a study from the Eating Disorder Center of Denver.

While there are a number of contributing factors, pop culture is certainly one of the reasons for the trend.

“I think we have shifted as a society,” says Simon Casey, a board-certified eating disorders specialist in San Clemente, Calif. “There’s a lot more emphasis now on how we look, how we appear, a lot of emphasis on plastic surgery and the fear of getting old.”

Who’s at risk

Casey says those with midlife eating disorders mostly fall into three categories. The first group includes people who never had a food disorder as a child or teen, but develop one as an adult due to trauma such as a divorce, loss of a job or death in the family.

“The anxiety becomes so unbearable that they start reaching (for) something to control their primary condition,” Casey says. “They either eat to comfort, or binge and purge, or limit food intake to try to control their feelings.”

The second group are those who struggled with an eating disorder earlier in life, who either recovered for some time—perhaps even a couple of decades—or who never were able to effectively treat their disorder. A single event may trigger them. The third group is what Casey terms a “substitution group.”

“These patients tend to be addictive personalities—their primary addiction could be alcohol or gambling,” he says.

What’s at stake

The physical and emotional consequences of eating disorders are serious and life-threatening. Those with anorexia can suffer from malnutrition, vision and organ failure, and an aging process that’s put on warp speed. Those with bulimia may deal with digestive issues and dental problems, and compulsive overeaters put themselves at risk for high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, and a host of other complications. The most serious consequence for any kind of eating disorder is death.

Treatment is the same no matter the age, but it’s important to remember that if there’s an underlying issue like depression, anxiety or addiction, that has to be treated along with the food disorder.

If you’re in midlife and struggling with food issues, see a doctor. Eating disorders are serious no matter how old you are.

Model Behavior

While an eating disorder may be a personal struggle, the effect it has on those around you is profound, especially when it comes to children.

“Kids are basically walking camcorders,” Casey says. “They are just like sponges. What parents say very early in life, (kids) take it as gospel.”

Casey estimates that more than 80% of the patients he treats learned their disordered eating habits from their mother. If you constantly talk about dieting or losing weight, that sends a message that appearance is paramount to other personal characteristics.

Modeling nutritious eating habits, explaining food’s role in fueling our bodies and equipping children to handle their emotions are the best things you can do to help your kids have a healthy relationship with food.

Anger Management Expert Interview

Anger is a natural emotion but for some people, it can be dangerous. Anger can lead individuals to react to situations inappropriately causing devastating consequences. To maintain control of your anger, you may need to learn anger management techniques by taking a class.

LoveToKnow has the opportunity to interview Dr. Simon Casey, who is a therapist and author of Secrets to Emotional Wealth and Couples in Chaos. He is also the founder/CEO of Emotional Mastery International. He regularly teaches anger management classes to facilities, parents, county agencies as well as online.

Will Anger Management Help You?

LoveToKnow (LTK): How does someone know she should seek anger management?

Dr. Simon Casey (SC): Many people who display inappropriate expression of anger may not even know they have a problem dealing with their anger. The following are some of the indicators that someone should seek help.

  • She is easily annoyed and reactive
  • Getting into physical fights
  • She is throwing/breaking things when angry
  • Road rage or cutting people off
  • Losing friends, relationships
  • Always looking for ways to get even
  • Drinking excessively or using drugs
  • Legal problems such as domestic violence

LTK: What will someone learn in anger management classes?

SC: Participants will learn the following information:

  • Understand emotions and how they work
  • Action versus reaction
  • Feel, think and resolve process
  • Developing empathy
  • Effective conflict resolution
  • Communication 101
  • Stress to distress

LTK: How effective are they?

SC: These are very effective tools for anger management. However, it is up to each individual and his level of commitment to be better.

Change is a very scary proposition, and in most cases, people learn to comply or adopt temporary behaviors to resolve a problem. However, it’s almost always short lived. In other words, if the person is truly motivated to become his best and learn from his consequences, more than likely he will be able to overcome character defects and adopt a new way of life.

Anger Management Classes Online

LTK: What is the difference between taking anger management classes online or offline?

SC: Almost all anger management classes online are educational. The face-to-face interaction [with offline] could involve either therapeutic approach or personal coaching. In my opinion, combination of both [anger management educational classes and therapy] will raise the rate of success extensively.

LTK: How long do online courses usually take to complete?

SC: All of the online courses are self-phased. There is never a pressure as to when you need to fulfill the requirement unless it is mandated by the courts to complete by a certain date.

LTK: How confidential are anger management courses online?

SC: Confidentiality is always an issue when you are doing anything online because you have no guaranteed protection. However, if you are court ordered to attend more than likely it is already a public record. People who are worried about confidentiality should shy away from online training.

LTK: What types of tools are used when taking an online course?

SC: Most information is disseminated through downloads and online videos.

LTK: What should someone look for when searching for an online anger management course?

SC: Many people make the mistake of going online to sign up for anger management classes based upon a website. Everyone has their unique circumstances and hence you need to call, email and find out if they can meet your needs and if you will get what you are paying for.

LTK: Would you like to add anything?

SC: Remember, the information alone without emotional connection will not bring about the desired change. Anger is an emotion and it must be dealt with emotionally first. Understanding a problem is only the gateway to the feelings. Finally, if you don’t learn to manage your anger, your anger will manage you.

Traveling wall honors soldiers, offers connection Courier

Edition: Final Section: A – News Page: 01 Record Number: CSS5F4C
Copyright 2011 Courier, The (Findlay, OH)
The (Findlay, OH) – Saturday, July 16, 2011 Author: LOU WILIN ; STAFF WRITER OTTAWA –

More than 58,000 brothers, sons and fathers were killed while serving in the Vietnam War. An opportunity to honor and, many say, even connect with them is coming next week in the form of the Vietnam Traveling Memorial Wall. Free and open to everyone, it will be displayed Friday through Sunday, July 24, at the Putnam County Fairgrounds in Ottawa. At 288 feet wide, and six feet high at its apex, the two-sided black wall envelops viewers and pulls them into the destinies of the young men whose names are inscribed. Many Americans protested the war and, for years, the troops’ sacrifices did not get the same homage paid to those of previous wars. “For a long time, there was no recognition. I’m glad they came up with (the wall),” said Steve Tadena of Pandora, whose father was killed in Vietnam in 1967. Tadena was 7 years old when Esteban Tadena died. It was dramatic when, four years ago, he visited the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, D.C., and touched the etching of his father’s name. “A calming, a peace came over me,” he said. The Vietnam Traveling Memorial Wall is three-fifths the size of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. A trailer carrying the wall will make a stopover in Findlay on Thursday en route to Ottawa. The Wall Escort Parade to Ottawa, replete with thousands of bikers from all over Ohio, will depart the Hancock County Fairgrounds at 6 p.m. Thursday. Bikers will start assembling at the fairgrounds Thursday afternoon. Among them will be Lafayette resident John Schmiedebusch, who served in South Vietnam in 1970 and 1971. The wall “represents the 58,000 guys that didn’t come back…. It’s kind of sacred,” Schmiedebusch said. “I have a couple of friends on the wall.” Diane Dickman Bishop, of Ottawa, has a brother on the wall, who knew before he left for Vietnam that he would not return. He told a cousin so. “We know we’re only statistics,” he said. David M. Dickman, 21, was killed in 1968 by a sniper shot to his neck while he carried a wounded comrade to a medical helicopter. “The wall is so symbolic… The symbolism of what young persons are willing or asked to give for their country,” Bishop said. For those who are not veterans and without a family member who served, the wall offers a connection to those who served, said psychologist Simon Casey, chief executive officer of Emotional Mastery International, San Clemente, Calif. It also offers a teachable moment for kids, who tend to have difficulty understanding history, Casey said. “They should know and understand what it meant,” he said. “It’s important for families to bring in kids. Kids can’t relate… unless their parents model it.” So here’s permission for parents: Feel free to get on your soapbox and give a history lesson, Casey said. For veterans, the wall is huge. “There is a healing property,” Casey said. Visiting the wall can reduce veterans’ fear, anger, grief and overwhelming anguish related to post-traumatic stress disorder. It can foster peace and acceptance, Casey said. It connects veterans to their former selves, the innocent ones they were before being subjected to concussions of violence, seeing friends killed and maimed. To cope with the trauma, many had to become emotionally detached, even zombie-like, Casey said. That same defense mechanism can imprison part of their psyche in Vietnam even years later when they are civilians at home, Casey said. “I see this all the time. Some of them are living the whole thing over and over,” Casey said. Talking to someone can help heal grief for most of us. Many Vietnam veterans, however, have difficulty finding someone with whom to share “unthinkable” experiences and grief. Afraid of being judged and feeling humiliated, they don’t talk about it, Casey said. “They’re kind of trapped in their own flesh, blood and skin,” he said. But the memorial wall enables veterans to move beyond their emotional walls. “It’s a wonderful thing for them to go back and experience it,” Casey said. Many touch the letters of their friends’ names. “It’s a sense of reconnecting,” he said. “Even though it’s a carving, for them it’s a very different thing.” They reconnect with what they lost of themselves and their friends. They can gain a sense of what they shared with their comrades in arms, Casey said. A further injustice of the Vietnam War was the indifference or hostility many veterans faced when they came home from the unpopular war. Anyone can thank a veteran any time for serving. But the wall gives citizens a special chance. “It helps the younger generation and the older generation rethink their involvement in the war, rethink their attitude toward it, rethink their welcoming home of the soldiers,” Bishop said.